Introspection

I sit quietly with my face in my textbook, highlighter uncapped and poised above a page that my eyes are not reading. Instead, I stare unblinkingly at nothing, letting my eyes unfocus so that there is nothing to be seen but a blur of colors and ambiguous shapes in front of me.
I wonder if this will get easier.
If the waiting, the hoping, the planning, this tireless, endless pursuit..
if at some point I will feel like I've succeeded enough to allow myself a break.
I sip my chai tea, black and sugarless, and try not to care.
But willing yourself to not care about something that has become so entangled, so enmeshed in your psyche is
a futile attempt.
There are some feelings that fill you up,
dig their roots into your skin
and never let go.
They swell
and blow you over,
like wind and waves.
This is how I feel about my experience of life.
One day I was carefree, the next I was not.
I cannot define what changed or precipitated the metamorphosis,
I know only this:
That now I am driven to pursue this goal that beckons in the distance
And that the feeling, the desire, the need is so strongly ingrained upon my person that to resist is anathema.
And love, that glorious, elusive thing, seems so incongruous
With the unrelenting manner that I push myself,
That I sometimes am baffled at how others can love me.
Even though I love them all very dearly.
These are the thoughts in my head,
As I stare at the snow falling outside
And do not study for my midterm exams.

Sad Panda.

I'm close with my family. Not as close as some, but the more I am exposed to other families, the more I understand how unique the bond is that I share with my immediate family. I am especially close with my sisters, and I feel very protective over my younger siblings in general. I have eight siblings, and my younger sister Zoe recently has had some problems at school. Now, I realize that junior high is hard for everyone- it was no picnic for me either, but hearing how these kids behave makes me want to go kick some thirteen-year-old-butts. However, because I'm in Michigan and they are in Wyoming, the best I can do is offer advice and the encouragement that life absolutely gets better after junior high.

It definitely does.
And in the meantime.....
All you can do is laugh at the absurdity of life.

Ok, Cool. Awesome.

I have the worst lab group in the history of lab groups. No one does anything! I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to academics, so I'll give them that, but if I didn't do anything (everything) then absolutely nothing would get done. They don't understand the material, I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one actually passing the class, and, joy of joys, we have a group paper due. I was apprehensive about this when the assignment was first handed out, but I figured that it's only fair to give everyone a chance. But here I am, the day before it's due, with only my portion of the paper written. I conducted the experiment, made notes for everyone, pestered them for weeks to have them give me their materials so I could compile the paper and here it is at the eleventh hour and I am pissed. I don't even know their last names, to put it on the paper! I emailed everyone a few hours ago as a last ditch effort that maybe they would email me their parts of the paper.
But whatever. I'm just going to write the whole thing.
Awesome.

And I have midterms this week.
Cool.

And I accidentally set my kitchen on fire.
Awesome.

And I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Cool.
It's inappropriate to lay on the floor and scream when you're at college, isn't it?
Awesome.

Academia will steal all your time and eat it!

nom nom nom nom nom....
I've been busy.
18 credit hours is a lot of work.
I knew that, going into the semester, but I somehow believed that I had hidden superpowers that would make it easier than it is for everyone else.
What can I say?
I have my ego-centric, narcisisstic moments. :)
But, while it's been busy, it's been great to use my brain, and really start learning in a classroom enrivonment again. (I was previously keeping the majority of my brain sedated, so as to not become irate at the level of work I was being asked to do professionally. You only need about 1/48 of your brain to work in collections, sales, service or copy writing.)
I've begun running again, and find that it helps me keep my stress levels in moderation, so that I don't come home at the end of a 13 hour school day and just cry about all the work I have yet to do. I'm too tired for that! Bonus: I've cut my running time down to about a solid 8 minute mile and can run for about an hour before I die/spontaneously combust.
But in all seriousness, I am impressed with my ability to consistently get up before the sun and function at a human level. I am 1/3 through with this semester and so far, have straight As. I'm working hard to keep it that way, so that when I transfer, they will be like, "You're really old! But, you are good at stuff.... we'll let you in!"
Hopefully, anyway.

So I'm off to my exciting Friday night of studying, reading, outlining and working out.
Man, college is crazy.
Hats off to all of you who are doing it too.

This is what the inside of my brain looks like. 

Things that make me smile.

So I thought I'd share.
Because it's been a rough couple of weeks.
And smiles are awesome.

The end. :D

Oprah isn't the only one who has favorite things.

The following is one of my favorite life philosophies.

It doesn't bother me at all that I borrowed it from the character Barney on "How I Met Your Mother".

If anything, it only makes it more awesome.

I'm made of money! Oh, wait, that's not me, that's someone else.....

I buy books all the time. I've owned somewhere between 200 and 300 books. Many of them fiction, and even more of them on permanent loan with friends or siblings, but still. I own a lot of books. Now, even with all of my extensive book-buying experience, I was not prepared for yesterday. For my five classes next semester, I had to buy ten textbooks. Ten. And I spent just over $800.00. I think this textbook buying business is a racket. I'm paying you $130 for a book that I can then sell back to you for $15, which you will turn around to sell for $75. It's a racket, I say! I would have bought them for cheaper online, but in order to use my financial aid to pay for them, I have to go through the colleges' book store. I smell a conspiracy for the college to get even more of my money! Haha. Well, in any case, I'm excited for my classes to begin, so I can put these expensive tomes to work for me!

I leave you with a snapshot of my bedroom to illustrate my book-lovin' ways.