Monday, February 21, 2011


I sit quietly with my face in my textbook, highlighter uncapped and poised above a page that my eyes are not reading. Instead, I stare unblinkingly at nothing, letting my eyes unfocus so that there is nothing to be seen but a blur of colors and ambiguous shapes in front of me.
I wonder if this will get easier.
If the waiting, the hoping, the planning, this tireless, endless pursuit..
if at some point I will feel like I've succeeded enough to allow myself a break.
I sip my chai tea, black and sugarless, and try not to care.
But willing yourself to not care about something that has become so entangled, so enmeshed in your psyche is
a futile attempt.
There are some feelings that fill you up,
dig their roots into your skin
and never let go.
They swell
and blow you over,
like wind and waves.
This is how I feel about my experience of life.
One day I was carefree, the next I was not.
I cannot define what changed or precipitated the metamorphosis,
I know only this:
That now I am driven to pursue this goal that beckons in the distance
And that the feeling, the desire, the need is so strongly ingrained upon my person that to resist is anathema.
And love, that glorious, elusive thing, seems so incongruous
With the unrelenting manner that I push myself,
That I sometimes am baffled at how others can love me.
Even though I love them all very dearly.
These are the thoughts in my head,
As I stare at the snow falling outside
And do not study for my midterm exams.


  1. Beautiful prose, darling.

    I must admit to feeling the opposite, in a way.

    I am so close to being done with my degree (finally) - a paltry 8 classes! - and am suddenly and completely out of steam. I can hardly strum up the energy to read the required chapters, much less write the lengthy papers my classes require.

    Here's to pushing through, eh?

  2. Thank you, love.
    I feel like I cannot under any circumstance stop. even if it is just a break. But there is far more work to be done on my end than yours. (Just so many more years to go, you know?)

    I am sure you will catch your 8th wind and finish brilliantly.
    Because you are awesome.

    Here's to pushing through, absolutely.

  3. I think about you a lot, usually while I'm at work. I find myself tired and say to myself, 'We used to take turns napping in the closet.'

  4. Oh, man... I miss the nap closet!! I think about you often as well. I hope everything is going well with your pregnancy and your little ones. :)